The Museum

Welcome to this place,
Also known as my heart.
Stay awhile and have a walkabout,
A look around as you
Psychoanalyze what you see --
Do let me know your conclusions.
(That is, if you come to any)

Look, but don’t touch.
If you break it you bought it.
Keepsakes will cost you and
Trophies are not for sale.
Don’t bother to ask why --
You probably won’t be told
(Tho, exceptions aren’t unheard of)

I see your secret satisfaction,
Thinking you’ve actually stumbled
Upon a treasure hitherto unnoticed;
Though in my mind I see no such thing,
Rather only a broken piece --
A long forgotten fragment
(From a time when I actually cared)

Stealing souvenirs will not be tolerated.
As stated before, what’s in here stays here;
And no, I’m afraid you can’t move in
No matter how much you like the view.
Room only for one, and that spot’s long been taken --
So enjoy the tour, and do leave your feedback
(So I can know what not to do next time)

As you’ve noticed, admission is free,
Though donations are appreciated.
Call it charity or what have you, I don’t mind.
The guest book is in the corner
If you’d like to tickle my ears with trivialities --
Something to make me smile.
(And feel like maybe I was worth your time)

Thanks for stopping by,
I hope you enjoyed your visit.
Visiting hours are limited,
So be sure to call to see if I’m open.
Thank you and goodnight.

Happy Easter...to the One Who gave His life......

Coaxing gently, You ask of me
To give You this dearly loved treasure.
I acquiesce, albeit reluctantly
And surrender a small part….

But You gave Your life

Whispering silently, Your eyes pleading,
You lovingly wait out my stubborn indifference;
Hoping I’ll lay down my arms
And relinquish control in full……

But You gave Your life

Your patience astounds,Your love overwhelms.
Your chiding yet compassionate tears fall freely,
As I desperately cling
And fear the end result of Your asking….

But You gave Your life

You stretch out Your hand.
With the nails imprint branding Your beauty,
I see the scars radiating Your love
And fall to my knees….

For You gave Your life

Oh You who gave the ultimate gift
How can anything less than everything
Be a fitting offering for You,
My Life, my Love, my God

For You gave Your life.

Silly little something....

I'd like to find a little place
In my overcrowded mind
For you, dear love, a quiet space
To rest in unconfined

I'm hoping there's a little spot
Where you can ascertain
A fascinating word or thought
In the cobwebs of my brain

I'm thinking if you like the view
From up here in my head
You'll stay awhile and get a clue
Of the way into my bed

Make my heart like....

Make my heart like wind
So I may kiss you with my breath
Run my fingers through your hair
And invisibly envelop you in my touch

Make my heart like water
Flowing around or above the obstacles in my path
And may my rivers be filled
With bittersweet tears shed for you

Make my heart like petals
Beautiful with or without the flower
Scents heightened when crushed,
Lovely even when strewn on the ground

Make my heart like autumn leaves
Content to know their beauty is fleeting
But willing to go down
In a blaze of blood red glory

Make my heart like fire
Capable of an all consuming blaze
Or the tiniest candle’s flame
Extinguished easily when no longer desired

Make my heart like sand
One wave, one breath of the wind
And the footprints that you left
Are forever washed away

A reflective moment.....bear with me

Learn to accept that I will never be the person I thought I would become and try to love myself anyway.
Learn to wear that smile bravely when inside my world is shattered and I feel that going on is an exercise in futility.
Learn to cry and be grateful for the tears, knowing there is no shame in weeping, rather than slipping into my comfort zone of denial.
Learn to realize that I am much less important than I like to think, and yes, they really don’t care, so stop trying so hard.
Learn to appreciate that though I may not be loved by one I am dear to many.
Learn to stop, look around, take in that smile, see the beauty in the small things and memorize moments, for soon that may be all I have left.
Learn to love when I feel I have nothing left to love with inside me, and in turn learn to be loved even when I feel unworthy of it.
Learn to embrace my flaws, accept my quirks and appreciate uniqueness in others, rather than attempting to change them.
Learn to move on, close doors to the past and kiss you goodbye for good, when all I want to do is stay in this dream of us.
Learn to listen with my heart and not just my ears.
Learn that, yes, life isn’t perfect and fair, but that’s life and complaining won’t change a thing.
Learn to trust that though I may be terminally flawed, I’m not beyond hope of loving.

Amen

I wish you knew

I wish you knew how bad it hurts
To be the last to know
To play the fool without consent,
A bit part in your show.

I wish you knew how hard it is
To fake my calm and smile
When inside all I want to do
Is hide my face awhile

I wish you knew how I regret
My naive optimism
How I believed I'd be the one
To free you from your prison

I wish you knew how much I cared
And lengths I would have gone
To reach you in your hardened state
And help your heart move on

I wish you knew how much I wept
The night I said no longer
But wishing will not fix us now
And I'm not getting younger

Closure

They rendezvoused that starlit night,
An overdue exchange;
A lonely field of sparkling white
Within a mountain range

The silvery moon’s reflection
Off the landscape’s glistening snow
Gave everything it’s shadow touched
An otherworldly glow.

Finality worn on their face,
A word not breathed or sighed;
Reliving countless moments
Of a love that lived and died.

Then turning to each other,
Eyes locked in silent pain,
They traded tiny bundles
As snowflakes fell like rain.

And in his ear she whispered low
“Give closure then depart,
I give you all the memories
As you give back my heart.”

Moth to a Flame

Innocence lost
Like a moth to a flame
I burn, you yearn
And try to disclaim

Boundaries crossed
With naught but a line
This beast, unleashed
Pours fire for wine

Drunk on desire
Addicting, this mix
My dose, come close
For you are my fix

Tiptoe, high-wire
The fall will be hard
Too late, it’s fate
We’ve let down our guard

May you find what you claim you are not looking for;
Emotion is a good look on you, tho sadly seldom worn.
Render yourself vulnerable once more just for the hell of it,
Love like you've never been hurt, tho I know too well you have.
I sincerely pray the one whose unlucky star falls into your path
Never will have her heart feel the painful imprints of your tread.

Angel

A's for amazing
Cuz that's what you are
N is for naughty,
And sometimes bizarre
G's for gregarious
You're always such fun
E's for exciting
In more ways than one
L is for lovable
In every way
And that makes an Angel
Whose birthday's today

If You Would Not Have Asked

If You would not have asked of me
My sacred-spaces,
I would never have known the joy
Of losing fear of losing
That which I thought vital to my happiness,
And gaining acceptance in yielding.

If You would not have asked of me
My fears,
I would never have known the joy
Of finally choosing to jump
Into this ocean of experience,
And learning to love the water.

If You would not have asked of me
My music,
I would never have known the joy
Of perfect silence, yet perfect song;
Hearing Your voice singing and not my own,
And realizing Yours is all I wish to hear.

If You would not have asked of me
My tears,
I would never have known the joy
Of having Your hand dry my eyes,
Knowing You’ve gathered every one
And are now making rainbows of the rivers.

If You would not have asked of me
My beloved,
I would never have known the joy
Of finding You were enough
To mend and fill that exquisite aching,
And make the scars to radiate Your touch

If You would not have asked of me
My world,
I would never have known the joy
Of finding new horizons,
And realizing the colors here are more brilliant
When reflected in my teardrops.

You May Go

Air clammy with the salty wind
November’s chill
Your arms enveloping me,
Body shielding me
My head buried in your chest
Listening, waiting
Wishing the sound of your heartbeat
Would spill secrets
That have continued to elude my perception
Of this ambiguous being
Called you

Still feeling the imprints of your tread
On this now crushed soul
Body shaking with suppressed emotion
Waiting to be released
Knowing that this was the final call
Curtain had closed
Your bow had been taken with flourish
Audience appeased
And all you waited for was my applause
So you could take your leave
Guiltlessly

So here’s what you’ve waited for
I applaud
While secretly hating myself
For my inevitable approval
Of something so predictably cruel

You may go

Before...

Before I met you
I dreamed you
Before I knew you
I kissed you
Before I held you
I understood you
Before I felt you
I missed you
Before I loved you
You walked away.

I Don't Know How

I don’t know how to love you
And I don’t know how to miss you
I don’t know how to tell you
All I want is just to kiss you

I don’t know how to hate you
And I don’t know how to read you
I don’t know how to keep you
All I know is that I need you

I don’t know how to fix you
And I don’t know how to save you
I don’t know how to hold you
All I know is that I crave you

Unsent

Dearest................

I know I am damaged
A dark thing, low in my expectations
And with much that is unlovable

But you should know that when I see you
All I want to do is smile
Nothing else makes me happier
From the most simplistic sense
To the most complex
You are the secret joy
That wears itself on my face
Not allowing me to contain
The pure happiness I have
At just being near you

Love is impossible to embody in mere words
I cannot even say if love has yet found a role
In this present feeling
But know that at this moment
I feel you
Deeply, painfully, joyously, melancholically, sadly and happily
At the same time

You are my soul’s contradiction
And one that I welcome
I thank you for conflicting my carnal mind
With my emotions
I’ve been waiting for years
For the one who could manage that
You have, beautifully
I’m a mess thanks to you
And I love every single second of it

Love,
......................

That Fateful Night

And so it was that fateful night
When we locked eyes
And you began the journey into my head
And eventually into my heart
That never did I for one moment think
That the one I turned to to wipe my tears
Would become the reason for them

And so it was that fateful night
When I stripped my soul naked
And you began the journey I had forseen
Down the road of games and eventually denial
That never did I for one moment think
That the rules I had carefully created
Would be the ones I gladly broke for you

And so it is this fateful night
When I have closed our book
And I begin this journey back to a safer place
A place where I can mend and heal
That never did I for one moment think
That the magic we created and believed to be real
Would turn out to be the age old illusion

But I thank you for that fateful night regardless

So near...Too far

So near I could touch
Too far I can’t reach
The fates have conspired
This wall I can’t breach

So close I can taste
Too far to dare drink
For one sip would push me
Right over the brink

So near I can hear
Too far I can’t speak
For words misconstrued
Make passion sound weak

So close I can see
Too far to recall
The face and the smile
That caused me to fall

So near I could weep
Too far I can’t stop
I’m stuck in this chasm
You wait at the top

Amen

I hurt
Please be the kiss to make it better
I ache
Please be the balm to soothe this painful heart
I weep
Please be the vase to catch my tears
I break
Please be the hand to pick up the pieces
I bleed
Please be the bandage to close this wound

I yield...
Please please...make something from this broken life

For Marie

You will be missed
A gift that fleetingly danced across the pages of my life
Flawed, yet so beautiful in your imperfection
Yours is a heart that has been wrung
A life that has been crushed
A spirit that has not been broken

You will be missed
A soul that understood a damaged, world weary stranger
Accepted what others had found hard to love
Yours is a heart gifted in loving
A life that has painted a rainbow
A spirit that has lightened the grey

You will be missed
An artist that colored the world beautiful with your presence
A sensitive soul, yet resilient and strong
Yours is a heart that will be in mine
A life that has touched me indelibly
A spirit that these tears are now shed for

I watched you tonight
Subtle nuances that I missed previously...due to my own inability to decipher what was going on in your mind
You played that game exceptionally well...although I feel you never knew it was a game
So I blame you for nothing
Only myself for my hesitancy in believing that you could love me the way it turns out you actually did.
I see it now
Bittersweet in this revealing... It has taught me more than you could know
I am stronger because of it
Thank you

Sometimes things in life are better not knowing and understanding clearly, as definition takes away the excitement of the unknown.

The what ifs can kill
The unfinished sentences
The unspoken thoughts
The unheld hands
The unkissed lips
The uncompleted moments
Will haunt you
Endlessly


Seize the moment

I will be...

I will be far
Remember me
In the caverns of your mind
On those long lonely nights
When my body craves
The security it found
In the hollow of your arms

I will be there
Nay, not in flesh
But in the whisper of the wind
The fleeting memories
The faint scents
That will haunt you
When you least expect it

I will be near
If you should find
That perhaps this un-named feeling
Decides to define itself
In the hidden recesses
Of your beautifully blind heart
That was once so loved.

The One That Got Away

Thank you
You took me by complete surprise
You were the last thing I thot I'd find
You were the mist that fell unexpectedly
You took the night so very ordinary
And transformed it into beautiful

Thank you
You were the secret smile constantly worn
You were the reason for my abandonment
You took me out of my carefully constructed shell
And made me dance like a child

Thank you
You were the motive behind my manic-ness
You were the underlying energy in my tired heart
You were the unformed song that waited to be played
And you were the muse that authored it

Thank you
You were the first tear that wet this cheek
You were the last kiss I wished to share
You were the image I branded that final night
You were the hand I still feel holding mine
And the one that got away

Goodbye

I cried
You had no idea
I concede
It's better this way

I tried
To fake indifference
You believed
I alone now face reality

I lied
And said "here's closure"
You flowed
As tears coursed down my turned cheek

I died
As you touched my very core
I wondered
If you even knew I wept

I hide
This scar you've left on my soul
I pray
I'll forget you soon....please



I do love you...... and goodbye

So forgive me if I stare
I'm trying to brand your face
On a heart that is silently pleading
Forget me not

By You....

One foot on my heart
And one out the door
I waited to be trampled
by you

Not caring about the consequences
Of this inevitable heartbreak
I waited to be torn
by you

I wondered if you realized
What exactly you were standing on
Pandoras box ready to be opened
by you

I resolved to move your footstool
To a safer place of refuge
Away from pain anticipated
by you

But instead your feet went walking
Out of the here said door
Crushing what was left behind
by you

For Pandora's box has opened,
Reality's slapped me in the face......
And I'm crazy, but I love you anyway

The Anti-Valentine

Second month and fourteenth day
Has reared it's dubious head,
A special day for lovers
And one that singles dread.
But this time I will not succumb
Nor walk the party line,
I'm chocolate's biggest nightmare --
The anti-Valentine.

This year I'll make me breakfast
And savor it in bed;
Have whipped cream with my coffee
And toasted raisin bread.
Instead of buying roses
I'll pick a leaf or vine,
I'm chocolate's biggest nightmare --
The anti-Valentine

I'll make myself a heart shaped card
And write a sappy poem
Of "how I'm loved and in my arms
A heart has found it's home".
I'll dance a slow dance all alone
While I sip sparkling wine,
I'm chocolate's biggest nightmare --
The anti-Valentine

I'll buy myself a negligee
And wear it for my mirror,
And thank God I don't have to care
How I look from the rear.
I'll wear those fishnets and a thong
For no one's eyes but mine,
I'm chocolate's biggest nightmare --
The anti-Valentine

If you think me pathetic
I can't say that I care,
I'd rather smile and celebrate
Than sink into despair.
As for someone to hold tonight,
My pillows do just fine.
I'm chocolate's biggest nightmare --
The anti-Valentine

If I Were a Painter...

If I were a painter….

Red for the passion you splashed across the pages of my life
Black for the moments our pride got the better of us
Yellow for the stars I gave you for making me smile
Green for the tranquil security there was in your arms
Brown for your eyes that indelibly marked this heart
Blue for the river my tears have now created
Grey for the tinge that presently shades life in it’s entirety
White for this here stark canvas now that you’re gone

Crashed

We loved
We laughed
And then we crashed
We grew
We lived
And then we crashed
We meshed
We danced
And then we crashed

For those few stolen hours
Our senses imbibed
We were as one with passion
It was our lifeblood
Through our veins flowed euphoria
A drug so heady
Overwhelming senses and sense
And then we crashed

But I choose to believe
The journey was worth
The crash